I lay here in a dark bedroom, one dog lightly snoring next to me in the warm spot my husband just left. He is now on his way to work. Something he does 5, sometimes 6, days a week, without complaint, to solely support our growing family. My old dog is pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed. He wants to get up here. He wants me to pick him up to do that. He doesn’t care that I’m too tired and pregnant to pick up his 14 year old, 45 pound body. Last night Cody woke up at 3am, and then again at 4am. As I sat there rocking him I reflected on the times I did that with him when he was a baby and then started thinking about our upcoming nights where I’ll be doing that with Eli. I spent a lot of time in that rocking chair when Cody was little. He still loves to be rocked (hence why the rocker is still in his room and not in Eli’s). It’s a ritual we do every night before bed. We read books, sing ‘You Are My Sunshine’, say our prayers, and rock. Many nights recently I have noticed my tears have wet the top of his head. I can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness. Apprehensive of
what the future for us holds. I cherish our time together, just the two of us. My little boy has taught me so much in the past two years. He taught me how to be what I am most proud of, a mommy. Yesterday, while on the way home from the grocery store, I said, “I love you Cody” to which he replied “I love you too Mama”. That was the first time he has said that so clearly. It’s usually more like, “I too Mama”. Hearing him say that melted my heart. I am excited to see how Eli changes the dynamics of our family – but it is also what terrifies me most. I’m hoping to feel a sense of completeness. I’m hoping it all ends up how it is meant to be. How God intended. It’s taken me awhile but I fully believe in His plan.
I recently read a post on a baby board about a woman who terminated her baby when she found out it had Down syndrome. Afterward, she was filled with regret and despair. Her and her husband got pregnant again and she started to feel hopeful once more. Then, at 24 weeks, her baby was prematurely born. He’s now a child with special needs. His needs are worse than those children she’s met with Down syndrome. It’s interesting how life works out. What I took from that story was that God fully intended for her to be the mother to a child with special needs. She could try and change that path but God was determined. He must’ve seen in her that which she could not. She still had regret about her previous decision, hence her post on this particular baby board. She was telling her story to ask other mommies to fully consider their decision, the emotional consequences, and what path their lives were supposed to take.
As the days fade into night and I rock my son before bed, I spend that time being thankful for our blessings. Thankful for the future. Thankful for this path that God has chosen for our family. Thankful to once again believe. Believe in the future, believe in our family, believe in myself, and believe in Him.