A week ago I was handing my precious son over to strangers. Strangers that I had entrusted with his life. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever had to do. What is interesting though is what happened afterwards. A calmness came over me. Yes, physically I had handed Eli over to the nurses who would care for him during surgery. But spiritually, I had handed him over to God. This blog has been a spiritual journey for me. I have felt many emotions towards God. I have questioned my faith often. Yet, when I kissed my son as he lay in the arms of a stranger last Tuesday, I was filled with nothing but faith. Pure, genuine faith. I’ve come a long way.
Eli is doing wonderfully at home. He has so much more energy now that he’s not expelling it all on just breathing. He smiles constantly and has become quite the chatterbox. He loves to play and wiggle. Tomorrow he has a follow up appointment at the cardiologist. I am expecting nothing but great news.
It is kind of surreal to be home with Eli’s heart surgery behind us. We had fully prepared to be in the hospital for 3 weeks (we were told he’d most likely be there for 2-3 weeks). Back in August, we found out Eli did have a heart defect. At first, we thought the defect was much worse (Disillusioned – August 1, 2012). Thankfully, a few days later, the defect was confirmed to just be a VSD (Great News! – August 4, 2012). Although a hole in the heart was welcome news compared to what we thought the defect was, it is still very scary to know your baby will be born with a heart that is not 100% functional. We tried to educate ourselves as much as possible about what could happen and what was likely to happen. Eli presented with heart failure within a week of birth. That was scary. Our main goal became to help him gain weight so he could be at a healthy weight to have heart surgery. When gaining weight became too challenging for him (and for us!) we knew it was time to go forward with the surgery. At that point, everyone was exhausted. We never had the opportunity to just enjoy our baby. It was all about feeding him and checking his color and noting how many breaths per minute he was breathing. When we came home from the hospital on Saturday I half expected to see the ‘It’s a Boy!’ banners. I felt like we were just bringing our son home for the first time.
Every year, we will celebrate Eli’s birthday then three months later we’ll celebrate his ‘Heart Day’. We’ll celebrate the day he entered this world and then we’ll celebrate the day he got to live in this world. Our son is truly living now. You can hear it in his joyous cooing. You see it in the vigor in which he kicks his feet. Today, I may have even heard a little giggle. All along this journey I’ve said that Eli is teaching us about living life. Finally, we get to watch him do just that.