If you read my blog because you like the inspiring, uplifting things I write about you may want to stop reading this post. Today is not one of those entries. Today I am depressed. I don’t know why. I’m feeling stressed and sad. I found the journal I kept for Cody when he was growing in my belly. I haven’t kept a journal for Eli. I started one, and then when we found out he had Down syndrome, I stopped. I was afraid he’d read it one day and think I didn’t love him. Actually, I was afraid he’d never learn to read or comprehend my words to him. I was looking back at what I wrote to Cody when I was 29 weeks (that’s how far along I am now with Eli). I wrote how I was so excited to meet him and couldn’t wait to hold him. I loved him so much already. Those words really hit me. In fact, they made me cry. I do love Eli. Very much. But I am afraid. I am excited to meet him and hold him. But I am scared. I am so fearful of what he will look like, what he’ll be like. Will he have complications because of his heart? Truthfully, I am worried. What if I give birth to him and love him so deeply and then God takes him from me? I am afraid to bond with him and I am afraid not to bond with him.
Last night, I got really sick. Scary sick. I thought something was wrong with the baby. But once I got in bed and settled in, Eli started kicking up a storm to let me know he was ok. I was thankful for that. I know I love him. Actually, I feel a deep love for him. I’m just so, so scared.
Everybody keeps saying how babies with Down syndrome are babies first. I have completely embraced that concept and sometimes I actually forget about the DS. But then I think about his heart. The most important organ in his body is broken. Yes, it can be fixed – with open heart surgery. My little fragile baby will have his body cut open so they can stop, and then repair, his heart. Ugh. Not fair. So is my baby with Down syndrome and a heart defect still a baby first? Or will his heart defect be the primary focus those first few months. Will we be afraid to love him with every ounce of our souls because we’re afraid he’ll be taken from us? I want to just love him and cuddle him and teach him and guide him. I don’t want to worry about all this other crap. I just wanted a healthy baby. But, I was given Eli. And I know I will see the blessing in that. I know we will fall head over heels in love. I pray that we will never feel the loss of a child and that that fear will not hold us back.
I saw a quote early on in our diagnosis that has been inspiring to me. It says, “I never knew I wanted a child with Down syndrome until I had one”. I hope in a couple of months to feel the same way. Until then, I pray that days like today are fewer and farther between. Please keep both Chuck and I in your prayers and good thoughts. I have a feeling the next 10 weeks may be filled with many emotions for both of us. Thank you. xoxo